“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” -Diane Ackerman
A long hike to the top of a mountain with Harley + soaking up the sun & reading poolside + banana chocolate chip oatmeal pancakes = one glorious Saturday so far!
View from the top
Poolside palm trees
Last night I realized that February 3rd marks 1 month down of Adam being deployed.
As most people in my situation would automatically think right after realizing they’re only somewhere around 15% done with their spouse being overseas, I thought …And at least five more months until he comes home.
Immediately, I forced myself to dismiss this thought, and instead looked at it this way: ONE MONTH DOWN! WITHOUT A COMPLETE EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN! OR CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP! OR EATING A GALLON OF ICE CREAM IN ONE SITTING! GO ME!
As people, we have a tendency to focus on the negative things in life. Although I’m optimistic and usually positive, I’m also human. Those negative thoughts come into my mind sometimes. But what I’ve learned to do is have my positive thoughts outnumber and dominant the negative ones.
A few years ago I read this book called Positivity by Barbara L. Frederickson. I was interested in reading how science has proven genuine positivity to improve lives. There were a few excerpts I highlighted from the book that I’ve been thinking about today:
“Positivity doesn’t mean we should follow the axioms ‘Grin and bear it’ or ‘Don’t worry, be happy.’ Those are simply superficial wishes. Positivity runs deeper. It consists of the whole range of positive emotions – from appreciation to love, from amusement to joy, from hope to gratitude, and then some. The term is purposely broad. It includes the positive meanings and optimistic attitudes that trigger positive emotions as well as the open minds, tender hearts, relaxed limbs, and soft faces they usher in. It even includes the long-term impact that positive emotions have on your character, relationships, communities, and environment.”
“First the good news: Whatever your current circumstances, you’ve got what it takes to reshape your life and the world around you for the better. You have, already within you, the active ingredient that’s needed to craft a happy life that’s full of growth and creativity, and to be remarkably resilient in hard times. The even better news is that this active ingredient is renewable. Any time you need more, you can get more. You have an inner wellspring you can tap anytime you want to replenish your supply. The bad news is that if you’re like most people, you’re currently low on this ingredient. And you can’t pull together the recipe for your best life without building a bigger supply. The even sadder news is that, again, if you’re like most people, you don’t know what you possess. Your inner wellspring remains untapped. You stumble about, seeking what you need in all the wrong places. You’re constantly looking outside yourself – to money and all that it can buy – and coming up short. What’s the active ingredient? Positivity. Heartfelt positivity.”
“…Whether you experience positivity or not depends vitally on how you think. Positive emotions – like all emotions – arise from how you interpret events and ideas as they unfold. They depend on whether you allow yourself to take a moment to find the good – and on whether, once you’ve found it, you pump that goodness up and let it grow. This dependence on thinking is what makes positivity so fragile. Our minds can be overstuffed with worries, doubts, and demands. Add to this the nearly continuous drip of media messages we take in from our televisions, radios, iPods, and billboards. No wonder we often don’t have space in our heads to focus on others, celebrate silliness, see the extraordinary right under our noses, or let our dreams go big.”
The book goes on to discuss a realistic approach to positive thinking – a positivity ratio of at least 3 to 1. This means that for every negative emotion you endure, you experience 3 or more genuinely positive emotions that uplift you.
Like I said, I’ve always been a sort of bubbly glass-half-full kinda girl. But when Adam went into the military, I initially struggled to worry less, enjoy our time together more, and focus on the good things. I realized that I didn’t want to be positive just when it came to things that were easier to be positive about; I had to apply this thinking to all facets of my life, especially the challenging ones. So I sought out books like this one and made sure to focus on the things and people in my life that make me feel good and give me inspiration.
Somewhere along the lines, my conscious effort to be positive has paid off and become natural in my everyday thought process. It’s not that I don’t have negative thoughts (of course I do), it’s just that I choose to dismiss them instead of letting them continually linger. I don’t find myself in a crappy mood too often, because I don’t find many things to be so bad that they ruin my day. I can honestly say I see good and beauty in each and everyday. Obviously, it’s tough having the love of my life be so far away for so long. But I’ve used this time alone to grow, and I like the person I’ve become.
Case in point
On a long flight not too long ago, I noticed the woman next to me reading The Secret, a book you’ve probably heard of that focuses on the law of attraction. I couldn’t resist striking up a conversation about her thoughts on the book’s concept. We chatted back and forth for awhile about how we both believe that the way one thinks and perceives things can have a tremendous impact.
Later on, she began asking me about my life and found out I’m a military wife.
“I always think that seems like such a hard life. So how do you do it?” she asked. [Note: This is the most asked question in my life. #2 is “What do you eat?” when people find out I’m a vegetarian.]
My response was something like, “Well, it’s definitely not a walk in the park at times. But I know I’m strong, and I just try to take things one day at a time and adapt to the situation. Instead of always feeling angry or sad when he’s gone, I usually just feel lucky to have such a great guy to miss.”
She smiled. “Wow, do you notice what you just did right there? That’s the very idea we were talking about before. You have found a way to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.”
Yes, I suppose I have. 🙂
“However much we resist acknowledging it, we humans are not static. We’re either on a positive trajectory or a negative one. Either we’re growing in goodness, become more creative and resilient, or we’re solidifying our bad habits, becoming more stagnant and rigid. No matter how much we may want to keep things as they are, or envision our life goals as a perfect snapshot we can one day frame and preserve, time moves on. How you’ll move with it is up to you.”
Ask yourself, which direction is my life going? Remember, it’s never too late to improve your mindset and change your world.
WOW! I got a lot to write. But, as the sleeping pill buzzes around in my head, most of it is not coherrent enough to write down.
So, here goes. Congratulations of your first of just a few months. Thank him, from me, Wayne, for his service! I am proud of what you are accomplishing.
And I am proud that you are encouraging others as you write. The great thing about blogging is that we affect a change in the lives of others. Just by being normal people, we can model a better life through our words for them.
Whew! I gotta end it for tonight.
God bless, I will be praying for ya’ll.
Wayne
Hi Wayne, thanks for reading and for the kind words!